Just a drawer

Well, Dad and I made a bit of headway, we actually went through the drawer of Moms night table. I am finding that thinking about doing these things is actually harder than just doing them. It was a bittersweet experience. We found things to smile over and those that brought tears to the eyes. 

We found Moms two "bibles". One the Holy Bible which contained clippings of those who have passed before her. The other "bible" was her address book. It is filled with people she has known from childhood and to whom she never forgot to send a birthday or christmas card. Pages dedicated to the addresses of her grandchildren who seem to move from year to year. Bits of paper with changed addresses or new phone numbers and even postcards sent to her.

One drawer contained cards sent to her, graduation announcements and programs of the grandchildren. Even a letter sent by one with postage due: ten cents on it. We found jewelry and gloves that I remember seeing her put on her hands when I was young. I know each thing tucked away had a special memory attached to it. So, needless to say most things went back into the drawer.

I find the more time has passed since I lost my Mom the more she comes to mind in just the everyday things.  I still want to cry and yell out loud  I WANT MY MOM BACK!!!  But that won't work. Tonight I felt the tears begin as I jumped up after dinner saying oh! I have to take my pills. Mom never failed to remind me or ask if I took them.  I like to think she put that thought in my mind.

These past weeks I have found myself trying to objectively evaluate my job and decide if the time has come to move on. I have always felt unappreciated for the work I do. I have always been a concientious employee. I have followed the rules, always on time, going to work with bad back pain, sick, etc. because I knew my co-workers would struggle with me absent.  I have been at this office longer than anyone, even the doctors who own it. I have been through three office managers. One took a dislike to me and to this day I have never figured out why. I have watched others hired after me given raises that  still do not match my salary. (this was under the hateful manger) My theory had always been I did not want to work in the hospital as shifts change and you work holidays and I did not want to miss those times with my children. All of a sudden they were grown and then I never wanted to leave because I accumulated alot of vacation time over the years. (I am up to 29 days plus holidays.)At a new job I would not get time off like that.

As of January we had a new management company take over the office. The reason the doctors brought them in was so that the office would make more money. All I have seen them do is spend more!  The only way I see them saving money is by telling us that they would not pay a portion of our health insurance anymore.  They have increased the workload with a promise of a raise at our anniversary date. For me, it will be October. 

Another factor in my evaluation is my long time co-worker and friend will be leaving. She has macular dystrophy and her vision is poor. She leaves in 10 days. I have gone to the manager and asked two weeks ago that they hire someone to replace her so that they can be trained. My answer was that we had to wait until she left. This means that the job the two of us can never keep up with will be on my shoulders until they hire and train someone. 

With my friend leaving I will be expected to assume the role of clinical nurse manager. I really don't want this task. My plan is to tell them unless this means at least a five dollar an hour raise I will not want the job. A raise like that will cover my health insurance cost. When I tell them that I will be wishing I had a picture of the expression on their face. Their idea of a raise has been fifty cents an hour every five years. They were always "in financial trouble"  My mind is made up. I won't take less as they have created so many new responsibilities under that title that I will be lucky to get anything else done. 

Yet another reason is the new management wants to open the office another night and Saturday. I will not work on a Saturday!!!  They are adding two more full time doctors and increasing hours of doctors there. Yet they only want to hire someone to replace my friend and one medical assistant. Believe me, they should hire an additional two people but they won't.

The girls I will be managing is another issue. Some are good, some want to get away with alot. This is a big reason why I don't really want the position.

I guess I should write some good things. I generally like most of the people I work with. It is close to home so the commute is short and cuts costs on gas. I do have alot of vacation time. If I take the management position I would get to make the schedules and some of the rules.

Guess thats enough ranting for now. What do you think?

The story of little sprout

For those not privy, grandma Denise and I were guessing Nikos length. You must realize his dad, Dean is about six foot eight(or something close to that). Denise said 22 inches and I said 24, as his dad is related to the jolly green giant(forgive me Dean, we love you too) So we decided Niko was little sprout.

We love you little sprout

Isn't my GREAT nephew simply adorable. I just wish I could pick him up and hug him. He took his time arriving, over two weeks late. Niko was born Saturday, april 25th.  The phone had to be charged due to excessive texting and calling between family keeping everyone updated. It seemed like a long day to me, I can only imagine how Kimi and Dean felt! Look at that face, he was sure worth the wait. I just want to issue a warning to all: When he comes to visit in July I want a fair share of holding and spoiling him! He is a great joy in this time of sorrow. The cycle of life, sometimes painful, most times wonderful. I promise to love you without end and will always be there for you little sprout....

Good Week/Bad Week

It has been a week of ups and downs for me. On the upside, I got to spend time with Amy today. We went to an antique festival today at Mullica Hill. Saw lots of old stuff but didn't buy anything.

 I learned a few self defense moves from Ben. He is shocked at my lack of strength and how unconditioned I am. I believe at this moment he is in his room setting up a program to strengthen my core muscles!! 

 In one week Katie will be home and we will be at the Maryland sheep and wool festival. We will spend the weekend looking at yarn and chatting with other knitters.

 Tomorrow I go fishing with Dad which is always a pleasant experience. It will be even better if we catch fish.

Kimi is finally in labor. I think Niko has a penchant for drama. He has built anticipation to def com red and still has not arrived.

On the down side,  reality has begun to set in.  My mom is gone. I find I don't want to leave my dad alone. He seems a bit lost since the last ten years his job has been taking care of her.  Its funny but the unexpected things are what brings on the tears. I found myself crying in an antique store today. I was looking at hand made soaps. I smelled one and said to Amy that it smelled like the perfume in an avon thing I got when I was young. The lady who worked in the store said isn't it funny how smells can bring back memories and I started crying because my mom gave me that perfume.  If I feel like this I can't imagine how my Dad feels.

Well, enough of that. I must go and do some thing before bed. Hopefully news of Niko will come shortly......

Yesterday was the last time I got to look at my moms face, a person I so loved that words can not express. All the tears I shed are selfish because life is hard to imagine without her.  Here is a effort at poetry that probably breaks all rules but it is heartfelt and made me appreciate all my mother was, even more:

My Mothers Hands

I like to think of my mother's hands

when they were young

How her fingers would intertwine

with my dad's hands

Her left hand on the day

My dad placed a ring on her finger 

And promised to love her forever

And he does.

Her hands prepared his food

And washed his clothes

And gave love without end

Her hands helped to build

The house they lived in

And made that house a home

Those gentle hands greeted us

As we came into this world

And we came to know the touch of love

Her hands fed us, washed us and

Changed our diapers

They encouraged us to walk

Into her ever open arms

Her hands hugged us

When we needed love

Corrected us when they needed to

Tenderly they touched our fevered brow

Soothing away our discomfort

I wonder how many meals they cooked

Or the number of dishes and 

clothes they washed

Her hands cleaned our home

Working their entire life

I never remember a complaint

When I think of those hands

How much they gave

I am amazed

Now I think of those hands

Aged with time

They will never reach out to me

Again on this earth

In my heart and mind

They will always touch me

with the memory of their love

when I die and leave this earth

Those hands will once again

Gather me into her arms

Then will my heart be whole again